The Fine Art of TV Repair

Is something wrong in your house?
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Is there a constant subtle drone always permeating throughout what should be your retreat from the harsh world?
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Do you think that Man Hatred is just everywhere?
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Chances are, your TV is broken!
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Therefore, No Ma’am will provide you with an easy, illustrated, 4-step method to fixing your “best friend.”
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STEP #1: Get the Proper Tools
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The best tools for TV Repair can likely be found in the backyard shed. Two favourites are the pick-axe and the sledgehammer. Also find some gloves and safety goggles – The Safety Bear recommends this, so I will defer to his judgement in regard to safety.
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Step #2: Swinging the Pick-Axe
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Take a few steps to the side of your friend and grasp the pick-axe firmy with both hands. Your aim should be directly for center of the screen, as this is where the heart of the problem is.
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The swing is performed much like a golf swing. Keep your eye on the center of the screen from the beginning of the swing right through to the end.
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Bring the pick-axe behind you and begin your swing. Your upper body should shift the energy through your shoulders while at the same time, the weight of your body should shift from your back foot through to your front foot. Remember to keep your eye on the center of the screen throughout your swing!
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The above illustration is an example of the results of a good first swing. The pick-axe should penetrate to the heart of the problem with a depth of at least 6 inches. A professional TV Repair Man consistently hits 10 inchers, but 6 inches is the minimum penetration needed.
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Step #3: Sweeping the Field
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Sometimes it is best to change tools and grab your sledgehammer for this task.
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You must remove all of the glass to fully repair your TV.
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Don’t be afraid to choke up on the hammer nor to get down on your knees to get every last piece of glass out of there. There is nothing “sissy” about this. The only “sissy” thing would be to not do a thorough and complete job. Anything worth doing is worth doing well.
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Notice the craftsmanship of this professional job in that he has even removed the knobs. This attention to detail is the mark of true guildsmanship, but you need not be this fancy. Removing the glass will most likely fix your problem completely.
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This is also an excellent time to have a look around inside the TV. You will realize that there is really nothing of substance behind the glass.
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Step #4: Call the Wife
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With the most manly bellow you can muster, holler out the following words:
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“Woman! Come Hither!”
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A real professional might manage to include the following:
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“And bring me a cold one!”
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But your main job is to have the wife come and look at your craftsmanship.
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You can now gently explain to the missus that you believe in the “Eek-Wallet-Tee” of both sexes equally doing the housework. Point out that you have done your 50%, and the other 50% is the clean up – so hop to it!
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Be sure to stay with the missus while she works. This is where the cold one would have come in handy, as it would give you something to do rather than just stand there doing nothing.
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Don’t be afraid to direct your wife to any teeny tiny piece of glass that she may have missed. You might impart some manly wisdom at her here by telling her that “anything worth doing is worth doing well!”
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You’re all done!
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Go back into the house and see if that annoying drone of man-hatred has disappeared.
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And rest assured, it will only get better from here!
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Good job! Mr. Repairman!

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One Comment on “The Fine Art of TV Repair”

  1. Remmy Says:

    Lol. A pick axe! Just watched someone fix his plasma telly with a baseball bat (http://flatscreentech.com/plasma-tv-problem-vertical-black-line-on-screen/). What’s wrong with you people?! 😀


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